Thanksgiving, Ian's Birthday, and My Anger

11/26/09

I'm not having a good day. I read a thread on a forum I visit, about how someone had "the worst Thanksgiving ever" because their cat died.

Now I'm angry, because I want to jump on the thread and scream:

"MY SON DIED!! It's Thanksgiving, and my Ian's birthday, but he's not here because HE'S DEAD. F*ck your cat, I lost my son. He should be here to get presents today and eat turkey, but he can't, and never will, ever again."

Mine is the worst Thanksgiving, because I can't share it with my son, and because he can't enjoy another year of life, and ALSO because I hate myself for feeling so damn selfish that I can't allow someone else to feel grief.

I want the grief to be mine, and I want them to grieve for Ian.

I am NOT generous.

And so the first birthday without Ian, and the first Thanksgiving without Ian, simultaneously pass. Today, I don't feel like I've healed.

I just feel older