First blog Ian's passing

1/22/09

A little test to see if this will appear. My parents are coming in today. I will be glad because since I have had no voice I have not been able to talk to them and I know they are worried. I will be grateful to see my mom because I very easily could have lost a son AND a mother to cancer in a very short time.

Writing used to be quite an outlet for me, but I dont write like I used to. I miss it. I will try to write here but I am not one that goes on the computer everyday, not even to check email or the news. I get antsy in front of a computer most of the time. Maybe I just need a more comfortable chair ;.

The service will be this weekend. I doubt I will write for several days; a lot of stuff to plan for. Ian's teacher brought over this notebook that she is going to give me. It has letters to our family from Ian's classmates as well as other students in the school. Hearing these elementary school kids write about how fun and nice he was made me very happy. It also really touched my heart to see these young children write that he is in a better place now and we should try not to be sad. One girl wrote she knew he was watching us from Heaven, and a couple kids talked about how they had lost someone.

One little girl from his class, Tori, wrote a nice little note then circled two places at the bottom of the page and wrote "here is a tear" then off to the side "here is another tear" indicating where it fell onto the paper while she was writing the note. That one little thing seemed so deep to me, reminding me that kids often understand more than we give them credit for and although they may look and sound immature, sometimes their true depth of thought just shines through. Ian was that way himself. I have no doubt that if he had been in a class with a child in his condition, he would have been a friend to that person and would have written something like Tori did.

I am grateful that because of Ian and the service we will have for him, people will end up getting to visit Krsna when they may not have before. Then again, we know it's not by chance that people get to Krsna. I was looking at pictures of him today, when we were at the temple on Christmas day. As soon as he had gotten out of the hospital he said, "I want to go see Krsna." He kept asking and asking so we got him there as soon as we could. It is obvious that in his heart he knew he was going back home, and wanted to make sure he saw Krsna and that we needed to see him too. He is there singing, with his eyepatch, his oxygen, looking quite peaceful.

I can't begin to express how glad I am that he insisted we take him and that he was listening to devotional music when he passed away. I was awake and right there, for I just couldn't bring myself to go to sleep until it was daytime. It was very early morning, and I was going to wait for his medication dose to be done, go take a shower, then come back in and try to lay down with him and sleep. One second he was warm next to me, breathing shallow, pulse racing, but looking very peaceful. Next second, he had no pulse but his face was so serene and calm. I am eternally grateful that his passing was very peaceful and that I didn't miss it. I'm glad I waited for his dose to be done, even though I had no logical reason for doing so, because if I hadn't, then he would have passed away while I was in the shower and I would not have felt nearly as calm about him passing, I am sure. I am very grateful to Krsna that my baby was not alone when he passed. My first close experience with death, and it couldn't have gone any better. I am so very grateful for that, because I did not know how I would handle it. Since he was peaceful and passed away quietly, I don't fear death as much as I may have.

Much to plan. I have no idea when I will write again. The service will be lovely. I love you, Ian. Give Krsna a hug for me.